Love’s Journal #16

Love’s Journal #16

UPDATE! I was given a 24 hour extension, I’m $1 away, and still no Access refund.

My vacation has been interrupted abruptly. What you are about to see is what I hope most of you never have to deal with. It is in short a “prison wife problem” or anyone supporting an incarcerated loved one. I am very annoyed and quite frankly a little concerned.

So after last week when I hit the wrong button on my computer (so I think) and upped my husband’s canteen, this week I was unjustly double declined and sent to “pending” without any notification, hence the double pend! Apparently Access thinks the address on my Paypal card is incorrect (it’s not, I checked). It “DECLINED” my card twice which usually means it didn’t accept it right? Only this company decided that regardless of declining they would pend my money. See that? Nearly $46 of MY money that I can’t access! What’s worse because I had this money thanks to a kind viewer (Thank you so much!) I bought myself groceries, paid a few late bills, and set my phone to auto pay not knowing that my declined card had been charged.

I called Access and was told it could take 3-5 BUSINESS days. I don’t have 3-5 business days!!! I’ve been working on instant cash out sites all last night and today and all I could manage was the above $11.25. There’s a catch! You see that 1.84 in Euros?? My bank refuses a Euro transfer below $2.00 so I’m stuck there too. This leaves me with $9.28 of American dollars and well I think the green text message says it all.

I want my representation as a prison wife to remain authentic on this blog. I am showing the good, the bad, and the ugly! Today is the third anniversary of my life as an inmate’s wife. I’m not homeless anymore, but there is still a definite struggle and stupid rules like this are not helping!

Definition of Decline – to politely refuse.

So refuse my money if you think my address is wrong….don’t put it in time out for a week!

#prisonwifeproblems #unfreakinbelievable

Until Then ~
Leesa Love

Three Years Ago Today

Three Years Ago Today

Posted a day early to allow for privacy on actual anniversary.

Three years ago today, my life changed forever. Three years ago today, the world came crashing in on me. Three years ago today, I thought that I would surely die, yet here I am, three years later, still holding on. 

I am sharing my personal experience in hopes that someone reading this will find encouragement in the words. When a loved one, be it a husband or father or sister or mother, gets arrested on felony charges, your life is forever changed. That person, that relationship, that life that you lived with your loved one is no more. Even if your loved one is found innocent and sent home, which would be awesome, the damage is done. 

Unfortunately, my experience is very different. My husband had an affair and he swears to me and other witnesses who I trust all told me that he and others believed this person to be four years older than she claimed. But…..my husband of three years, had an affair, and there’s no overlooking that. Regardless of his reasoning or what he believed, even regardless of him being on the Autism Spectrum and having Impulse Control Disorder and Bipolar and Borderline Intelligence Disorder, my husband whom I love very much, had an affair. The reason for his affair hurt even worse than the affair. I had miscarried four of his children and he felt that if he found someone in her twenties that they could have a baby together and I could help raise it. OUCH RIGHT?!? His story never changed. The story I was told by witnesses of this plan, never changed and always matched his. And so, I looked to God in the Heavens and asked for strength to forgive this man and he is a man of flesh and wrong choices. 

I chose to forgive him. I chose to love him. I chose to stand by him. 

Now, I will not sit here and write that life is a bed of roses and hunky dory, easy peasy. I’m going to shoot it to you straight! I AM NOT PROUD TO CALL MYSELF A PRISON WIFE OR THE WIFE OF RSO. Please do not mistake my mission of love and forgiveness to be in support of my husband’s choices. I chose in my heart to love the step-son that I’ve never met, because he didn’t choose his parents, however I am NOT proud of what my husband did. He was wrong. He was wrong for having an affair. He was wrong for cheating on me in his heart long before he took that leap. He was wrong to look outside of his marriage for the answers. 


Secondly, it is important for you to know that I  DO NOT EXCUSE MY HUSBAND’S BAD BEHAVIOR based upon his disabilities or the lies he was told. However, his disabilities are a big part of his lack of decision making skills. That  puts me in a position of extreme hurt and extreme compassion. I have extreme hurt because my grown daughter and my husband have both admitted that at one point after the damage was already done, my husband turned to my daughter and said “this is probably hurting your mom”. 

It is that ONE lucid moment that hurt me the most. It wouldn’t have mattered legally because he had been having this affair for several weeks and I’m sure the child was already conceived, however, any dates or hook-ups with her past that point, hurt the most because he was for a moment knowingly hurting me. As all cheaters do! “ Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. According to the Gospel of John, the Pharisees, in an attempt to discredit Jesus, brought a woman charged with adultery before him. … Jesus thought for a moment and then replied, “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.”

Google

So who am I to judge? I wasn’t married when I was getting played the summer after my first marriage ended in  divorce and I wasn’t married when I moved in with husband now. 

The secrets of his affair came out to me in October of that year, and my husband and the mother of his child went  back and forth about him being in the child’s life, paying child support, and him agreeing to anything she wanted simply because he longed to be a father and actually get to be in the child’s life, unlike his first two children that were kept from him. It was then that I agreed in my heart that despite my hurt and anger, I would love this child as my own. I had been a professional teacher and nanny for a good twenty years, I was used to pouring my love into babies that were not mine. I knew it would be hard to see her* but I also wanted what was best for that baby that was a part of my husband. I still do. Even after all that family has done to my husband and myself, I still reached out to help but finally got sick of trying. 

And so three years ago, in a matter of three months time, my teenage daughter (who was younger than my husband’s accuser) ran away and I was told, by the police, that “she was an adult doing adult things” She went missing one night and by morning the search was called off. The next month suddenly that age was considered a “child” and my husband was taken away in cuffs. A few days later, my husband’s family who we lived beside began accusing me of stealing things and started laying claims to my belongings. I got a storage building to stash our stuff and was accused by his sibling, that we rented from, that I was skipping out on rent and had another home.

I later sold, pawned, and donated all of this due to the high cost of living in a motel and the truck giving out on me forcing me to buy a car.

(Based solely upon a neighbor seeing me load my belongings into the truck for the storage building) and I believe, her disapproval of my decision to support my wayward husband. I was forced out of the below home with no where to go.

I can and will do better so 😛 on your crappy trailer

At that time, my husband and I were newspaper carriers for about 800 customers. I had to deliver Thanksgiving almost entirely alone (my daughter returned by then to tell me that the newspaper article and accuser were lying and that she would help me with Thanksgiving).

Papers stretched from one end of the trailer to the other. Insanity!

She and I managed to get through it despite the truck having a major blown head-gasket which we thought was a radiator issue. In fact, my daughter was witness to me being falsely accused, yelled at, and given three days to exit the property. 

On day two of that three day notice, I had already wrecked the truck once during deliveries. My anxiety was through the roof. My parents are both deceased. My siblings and I don’t talk. I’m 320 miles from anyone who actually knew me. I was scared, hurt, and alone. On that second day someone from the paper showed up at my door telling me to get to work. I couldn’t be strong anymore. I fell apart. 

I sobbed to him about my husband going to prison, I had to be off the property by the next day, the truck radiator was cracked, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew the company had every right to sue me for breaking my contract, but I was so done with caring about any of it. That was a breaking point and after a quick hug and reassurance that I would not be sued, the man left and I proceeded to throw away 80% or more of our belongings, keeping only what would fit into my new “home”. 

“Get out while you still can!” 

As my husband began to make acquaintances in jail that would protect him (he can’t defend himself), they in turn tried to connect me with their loved ones for support. I will never forget the day I texted a wife and her response to me was “Get out while you still can!” 

That wasn’t where my heart was and I refuse to sit here and tell anyone reading this who is facing a prison sentence with a loved one and is NOT in danger to “get out while you still can”. Now, if your heart is NOT in it 100% you will likely not make it. The journey is hard and it sucks and it hurts and it’s sad and it can be very lonely and people can be very mean. However, if you 100% without a single doubt know that you love that person, they need you. 

I ignored that message and I went on to ignore others that found out my husband’s charges and refused to talk to me. I ignored those who were clearly not faithful to their incarcerated boyfriend or husband yet pleaded their undying love during visitations. I blocked out all of that negativity, and I focussed entirely on my relationship with my husband. It was pretty shattered after such a hurtful affair, but it wasn’t beyond repair. 

Three years ago, I was blind-sided by all of this! Since then I have lived in a truck, storage rooms, motel rooms, empty homes, as a live in nanny, and finally am celebrating my 8th month in a rented home to call my own!

My current dwelling

My husband and I have cried together, we’ve laughed together, we’ve had a pretty intense argument together, and we have not touched each other since November 16, 2016! By the time he was dragged through jail for months being told the child wasn’t his and then having it turn out to indeed be his, I had already changed jobs, been fired for running late (totally my fault but understandable considering my level of emotional stress), I had lost my apartment and car and was unable and am still unable to visit my husband in a sit down prison visit. 

He earned a cook’s hat by starting at the bottom and working his way up and he has been moved into the Honor’s dorm where only the best of the best inmates are housed.

At first, I wasn’t ready. Let us not forget that he had an affair. Now, I feel more ready, but prefer not to put myself into the struggle of a car payment so I am saving up to buy a car. It’s hard not seeing him. I don’t know if I’ll even recognize him because due to past brain injuries my memory isn’t all that great and crowds overwhelm me, but I do miss him and I do love him. 

Three years ago today, my husband went to jail and the world that I knew came to a stop. I quickly realized that people can be very cruel. I was, am, and will always be 100% innocent of the judgement and accusations cast upon me. Those are just the facts. It’s not easy being an inmate wife, it’s not easy being a prison wife, and it’s not easy being forcefully separated from anyone that you love, but I believe 100% that it will one day be worth it. I believe 100% that God still has a plan for us. I believe 100% that my husband and I will come out on top of this horrible ordeal, and I believe that if anyone facing this can say without a shadow of a doubt, they love that person and can forgive them, that they too can look back on incarceration and know that it helped shape their lives. 

I am not proud of being a prison wife. I am proud of my husband for working so hard to become a better person. Just before his arrest, he said a little prayer. “God, show me how to love my wife.” He’s still learning but through this heartache, we are growing individually and as a strong couple. 

Thank you for reading. If you’d like to hear this story in my voice, please visit and consider following my Youtube channel. You may also follow me on Twitter and Instagram. And if you’d like to show your support financially you may do so via Paypal. 

My husband and I appreciate each and every one of you! Facing the holiday season alone takes a toll on my mental health. This blog will be returning full swing in January of 2020. Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and to all of you may you have a very blessed holiday season! 

~Leesa and Mikey Love 

 ©2019leesalove

Taking a Step Back

Taking a Step Back

Instead of closing accounts, I thought I’d do this instead. We grieve for our living children. We mourn for our lost children. We pray that one day our living children will realize how much they are loved and that parents are not perfect. Parents are human and humans, especially psychology disabled humans, don’t always do, say, or think the way our children want us to.

I and my husband, personally, have reached out to our three older children numerous times and I have reached out numerous times to the people raising the youngest. All of our love and kindness has been rejected. In return, we have received hatred and have been lied to and lied about.

My heart breaks, particularly for my daughter who I devoted my heart and soul to raising well and for the baby that I have personally seen referred to as a “mistake” by the people raising him. I had nothing to do with his conception and wrong choices were made by both of his parents, but no child is ever a mistake!

My husband and I both have hearts full of love and no children to share that love with. My husband doesn’t grieve as I do because he has a child-like mind and is happy-go-lucky which shields him from a lot of sorrows in life. I, however, upon my daughter’s lack of concern for me and my mistake of feeding a homeless family which in turn blocked me from watching my youngest stepson grow up in pictures, can not go on like this.

As the holidays approach, I am alone and I am in deep emotional pain. All I ever did was love these children and I have lost them all. Our Riley would be 5 years old this Christmas and I treasure memories of Christmases past with my Angel who is still Mommy’s universe and always will be. I never met any of my 3 stepchildren and I never held any of our four dead babies.

Please excuse me as I step away to grieve my hopes and dreams. Those who showed my husband no grace by not even bothering to show up in court and sent him away to serve fifteen years in prison destroyed me. And contrary to lies told by them and others, I was, am, and will always be 100% innocent.💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 Don’t believe everything you read or hear. There are some PATHOLOGICAL LIARS roaming about.

Thank you for your continued support
Mike and Lisa

Bless this family via Paypal

Love’s Journal #15

Love’s Journal #15

Hi everyone and welcome back!

Last Saturday I peopled. I had Vegetarian Taco dinner at the landlords’ house. Then on Sunday we went shopping and bought me a heater! Woo hoo! I’ve only had to use it twice but it’s good to have! They invited me to the park that afternoon. I was exhausted from being social and politely declined before crawling in bed and watching The Waltons and It’s a Miracle. A luxury that I am almost certain to lose in a few days because of the below fiasco. Paying $15 for Prime entertainment just isn’t at the top of the list this week. “Goodnight Richard” 😦

This has been a hectic week for me. At the beginning of the month I set up our budget and I had just enough to do everything that was needed plus give my husband an extra $50. Unfortunately he was very excited about the surprise and insisted I send it while we were on the phone. *mistake #1* I should know by now that hearing my Lovie’s voice puts me on Cloud 9 and that’s no place to make financial decisions. I went along with it and got a little happy with the “9’s” *mistake #2* before I could suck it back in I had sent him more canteen than I’d budgeted (which he promptly sent to the phone minutes to be fair), which meant I just spent part of my rent money! I worked like crazy every single day and night this past week to make instant cash outs on line to cover the rent and what I thought* would be enough to use the ATM. *mistake #4* I knew I couldn’t afford a Lyft and would have to walk so I waited for a warm day *mistake #5* I forgot that when I locked my bank’s savings to keep me from spending it, I also locked my checking account to not go below $20 *mistake #6*

Now I have rent due Sunday. I’m $20 short in cash. The ATM is another .2 miles walk away. It’s getting colder so my pain level is even higher. I’m trying to stack the paypal to do another transfer to raise the amount to cover the fees and a Lfyt would be nice but doesn’t seem possible. Plus I used up all of my instant cashouts so I’m having to work double time today and tomorrow to hopefully make the money back. Not to mention I just realized that Monday is a holiday and the bank will be closed! I think I’m just going to have to pay on Tuesday with late fees. I really don’t want to walk in this cooler weather.

On top of that drama, I got the worst Shipt shopper that I’ve ever had. I usually love my shoppers! This lady was new or just didn’t pay attention. She bought the smallest portions at the most expensive prices and gave me the worst substitutions ever! I’m not one to go around ruining peoples’ day. I just couldn’t leave a review. I felt sorry for her. Now I’m feeling sorry for me because all the “good” food is gone and I’m looking at a week of Ramen noodles and spinach! She bought me 2 boxes of spinach instead of 2 bags??

As far as Lovie, he’s doing great except for one issue. No one misbehaves in his dorm. They worked too hard to get there! However one guy seems to have it in for him and doesn’t understand learning disabilities. He doesn’t bother him in the Honor’s dorm, but he works with him (over him) in the kitchen. Apparently he puts him down, calling him slow and lazy.

Words like that cut deep into my husband. Having had Autism or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (it’s undetermined), his entire life and never knowing it, he’s been tormented by his own family,teachers, as well as everyone that he thought was his friend. It hurts my heart that he’s being mistreated. My husband says that this person reminds him of someone who he refers to as “the kidnapper”. He’s been remembering a lot of things he had blocked.

——————————————————————————————————

(my husband’s words, censored) “so I’m cooking noodles for Sundays pasta salad right n t my so called inmate boss said dmn what’s taking you so long I did this I did that he was bching at me calling me lazy n slow which I wasnt its time comsuming to cook shock n clean the tilt skillet I came really close to folding up his little a** I kid you not babe I had to catch myself then he always says I got something for your a** don’t threaten me, this ain’t the first time he said that to me he is a _______ he is in blues like me he ain’t n e better then me he been telling me what to do and I do it but don’t call me slow n lazy I take offense to that BC I’m not I keep to myself and I get my job done I’m gonna tell him if he thinks he can find someone better then me he can have my job… Babe I bust my a** over there in the prep area and give it my all I take pride in my work n hat you no that I’m not lazy or slow either.. the dude said to me that his dorm couldnt wait for me to get back so I can make the pasta salad the way they like it I said your kidding me he said nope I’m like wow I got a whole dorm that likes my pasta goo yo 🙂 t thinks he knows everything and he always gets loud kind of reminds me of the kid napper so many times I wanted to fold his soggy a** up this dude better watch it I’ll have a flash back n take it out on him not cool what he said I let it slide the 1st 2 times…”

—————————————————————————————————————

As you see, my husband was pretty hot after this encounter. He’s not a fighter at all so this guy definitely reminds him of “the kidnapper” and is triggering some deep down anger. So I immediately responded to him to pray and reminded him of how far he’s come, how happy he is, and how some people suck but we’re not letting anyone mess up what we’re doing here.

————————————————————————————————————–

(my husband’s reply)  “babe I’m gonna give you credit n say your right there I said it I agree with you about t yes I like working in the kitchen yes I like sleeping in a quiet peaceful dorm n yes I love you very much goo yo pray for that knuckle head t its taking a lot for me to say that but your right on this goo yo? yeah some people suck n he is one of them he is also in my dorm to so I could fold him up at n e time I mean pray for him at n e time lol 🙂 I see you pointing n shaking your finger at me saying MICHAEL!! lol I get it ignore him n pray @ him I got it 10-4 mother goose tango tango copys 🙂 I”

—————————————————————————————————————

I know he’s in prison and all of those guys have problems, but I’d like those of you reading this to say a prayer for T. I just feel like he doesn’t understand why my husband works a little different than him and I need him to learn some compassion. I feel differently about this one. He’s in the Honor’s dorm so he’s not there to intentionally cause trouble. I think more than anything he is frustrated. They have to prepare meals for 1,000 inmates and he feels my husband isn’t doing his part. I know prayer works because someone who nearly jumped a full length table to beat my husband up last year, now refers to us as his cousins and protects my husband from people like who he was last year. He might be reading this in a few months so “Hiya Cuz!”

It’s hard for me to grasp having a million dollars because I’ve never had a million dollars. It was difficult for my husband to grasp being loved because he’s never been loved before. Perhaps people simply do not know how to show compassion that they’ve never received. Or perhaps T just sucks, either way this situation needs prayer.

Comment below what you think? And comment “prayer” or prayer hands if you’ll be praying for this situation. Thanks for stopping by. We appreciate your kindness, comments, and prayers ~

Until Then ~ Mike & Lisa

Bless this family via Paypal

He Remembered!

I forgot, as usual. Lovie sent me this lovely e-card and said “Happy moving in with me on this day 320 I love you” Jpay isn’t working so I can’t respond, but miraculously this card got through!

On November 5, 2012, after visiting for one week in September, I made my way back to Florida, 320 miles by bus, to marry the love of my life! His dad picked me up at the bus station and Lovie was sitting on the porch swing waiting on me. I brought him Chipotle and we shared our first meal together as a live in couple.

People call him a “criminal” and say he’s a “danger to society”. To me, he’s the safest place on this earth. We have so many precious memories! I miss him so much!

Happy Anniversary Lovie!

~Leesa Love

Love’s Journal #14

Love’s Journal #14

Welcome Back to our story! I thought since this week has been so exciting for my husband that I would share what he emailed to me.

A little back story: Moments after my husband was moved to the Honor’s Dorm, there was an incident in his previous dorm. They are still on lock down with no TV or phone. I would be going stir crazy by now not being able to hear his voice! We are so thankful for the timing of God’s Grace in this situation.

so I gather knockle head **** stole some ones tablet brand new one plugged it in the kiosk so his name would be on it well they can’t find it and he went to jail n probably ain’t coming back maybe transfer him so his actions got *** no phone or TV they moved me in the nick of time dodge a bullet then inmates on *** r coming over here to use the phone lol I can’t say n e thing I would of done the same so my funny would not worry about me goo yo? 🙂 I’ll have 3 stamps left after this one…Today has been a slow boring dragging day I can’t believe I’m saying but I can’t wait to go back to work lol my bunkie is pretty cool man of less words we don’t talk much he goes to bed the same time as me *** is hating on me BC I’m over here playing with me calling me a trader yogi ask if I was coming back over I said probably not he was shocked to see me over here..I put that request in when he went to jail like 6 months ago guess there was a waiting list and they didn’t get my 2 refuse request but it might of been for the better I’m trying to keep a open mind my bunkie made sure to tell me he don’t snore lol I hear they open up the gym now I might go tomm morning goo yo? well I guess that’s all from me

He called today and said that where he is located is “the best of the best” as far as prison goes so he’s trying to adjust and embrace it. Its super quiet and he’s sleeping much more soundly.

I got an email today from one of the guys in his previous dorm who once wanted to ring his neck but grew to be his friend. He told me not to worry. He said he’s got eyes in the honor’s dorm watching out for my Love without him even being aware of it.

It’s cold here, well cold for Florida. We went to sleep on 80 degrees and woke up to 40! It was quite a shock! My little Sibby dog wanted to sit outside on the balcony but she came back in and stood staring at her blanket. I put her blanket outside. She made herself a little nest. Then she walked inside and stood staring at her pajamas. I dressed her in her cozy pajamas and she walked outside, dressed in a sleeper, burrowed into her blanket, and sat outside! At the moment she’s hogging my electric heated throw!

In other news, I may have met a friend. She’s hopefully going to help me launch a business soon, but I’m taking my time, researching, studying, planning. The goal time to start will be January, time will tell.

Until Then~
Leesa Love

Thank you for stopping by. This blog will be updated every Saturday at 3:20 AM Eastern.